Quote
June 15, 2013
173,332 notes
"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad."

— Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via hasser)

(Source: marleestormborn, via hatteress)

Tags: life lessons parenting you're doing it right

Photoset
June 14, 2013
11,513 notes

(via drunktuesdaze)

Tags: accurate life lessons

Text
June 05, 2013
244,704 notes

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness

hellotailor:

rubdown:

emmaorwhatever:

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you. 

SOME PEOPLE HAVE JOBS

AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS SHIT

The OP’s post sounds like Gwyneth Paltrow! XD

Also, I had a job which necessitated that I had to get up at 6.20 or 5.30, depending on the day, and go to bed at ten. I didn’t have the time to make myself luxurious breakfasts, I didn’t have the time to hike up the nearest hill to watch sunrise, and I didn’t wake up “feeling re-energized and comfortable”. Instead I was constantly sleep deprived and miserable, and felt that I was cheated of my favourite and most productive hours of the day (from nine to eleven pm.), without getting anything in return, as I absolutely cannot function properly before ten am., no matter how early I rise or how early I go to bed.

It’s wonderful if you find things that make you happy and more content in your own life, but the things that work for you might not work for everyone, and you should not market your decisions as a solution to everybody’s problems.

So, while I appreciate the sentiment, I cannot recommend OP’s solutions to anyone. My advice would be instead: Find out what makes you happy, and concentrate on it. If you enjoy sleeping late, make yourself a breakfast smoothie beforehand, and just inhale it when you go. Learn to put on your make up in a bus/train, and ignore the looks people give you. If you don’t like wearing make-up, gleefully forgo it in order to get more sleep. On the other hand, if you enjoy yoga and getting up early, try to make time for the sun salutations for every day right after you wake up, and then enjoy your luxurious, healthy breakfast in peace.

It all depends on what works for you.

Tags: advice life lessons about me

Text
June 05, 2013
140,963 notes

just-laff:

egberts:

if i ever met a genie i wouldnt wish for a million dollars id wish that whenever i bought something i’d always have the right amount of money to pay for it in my pocket

you are one of the great thinkers of our time

(via 1001-cranes)

Tags: brilliant! life lessons advice

Text
June 04, 2013
125,081 notes

clio-jlh:

fitchersvogel:

iceepr1ncess:

literally nothing feels better than being loved by someone who hates everyone

Note to my 15-year-old self: Someone who “hates everyone” is counting on making you feel like a special snowflake, the only one who ~understands~ them, and isn’t it an awesome ego boost that they’ve elevated you over and above the rest of humanity? Except that you are, you know, human, so eventually you’ll do something to piss off Mr Misanthropy, and then you’ll be just another SHEEP SHEEP YOU’RE ALL SHEEP to him, and he’s hoping you’ll do anything, anything, to prove you’re not like all the rest. (It’s usually a him, and the target is usually a her, because socialization of girls to think that It’s So Romantic to Save a Man and of guys to think It’s a Woman’s Job to Save Me From Myself (And If She Fails She’s a Faily Bitch) is a thing.) It’s an awesome manipulation tactic, whether conscious or unconscious, and a brilliant setup for abuse. Western romance narrative tropes =/= awesome rl relationships.

Not to discount by any means the feminist Western romance reading given here, but in my life this has happened entirely with female platonic friends, who would tell me how misanthropic they were and how edgy and smart that made them but you, Clio, I can put up with you, let me tell you how “crazy” everyone else is. 

Eventually you realize that you will become the “crazy” friend she tells everyone else about.  Eventually you will piss her off and she will tell all your mutual friends about the crazy thing you did, and those mutual friends either have already figured out her deal, or will take her side.  But you’re removed from the clique of the non-crazy, forever.

Basically, there isn’t much good about being loved by someone who hates everyone, and inevitably, they will move you from column A to column B.  This happens in friendships just as much as romantic relationships.

Yeah. If somebody hates everybody but you and thinks everybody but you is an abuser/crazy/untrustworthy/liar, they are using you as an emotional crutch and you should distance yourself from them ASAP. This person is most likely an energy vampire, steeped in their own bitterness and their own problems, and if you continue to offer them your support, they will drain you, pull you into their own misery and finally, when you can’t no longer answer to their completely unrealistic expectations, they will turn against you, accuse you of being just like everyone else, and latch on to the next person who shows them even a little bit of sympathy, probably regaling them with stories what a horrible person you are.



(Source: kawaiirostam)

Tags: advice life lessons unhealthy relationships

Quote
April 28, 2013
73,786 notes
"One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it."

— Gabourey Sidibe (via sorakeem)

(Source: thatquote, via spamsterlady)

Tags: I should remember that advice life lessons '

Photo
April 06, 2013
96,464 notes
fit-attempted: livinglutenfreee: theprosaicmoments: YO, I GOT SOME TIPS FOR ALL THE MISERABLE LADIES! (and hell fucking yes i used to be one) try getting ready in the morning wearing only the underwear you look the best in (only buy underwear you feel the best in) or get ready naked. it’s like a scientifically proven fact that all boobs are amazing, and i’ve discovered there’s this weird victoria’s secret angel switch that gets flipped when you’re nude putting on makeup or brushing your hair. you just look like a fox. don’t be scared to do things you’re really good at in front of people (they want to see) and don’t be scared to talk about how good you are at things (there is a difference between arrogance and confidence, and we’ve been told repeatedly that being proud of ourselves is cocky and unattractive: FUCK THAT, WE’RE JUST THE SHIT, WE CAN’T HELP IT) in recent years i’ve discovered that i’m super hot. you also happen to be super hot. i think “super hot” is a combination of attractive, unique, and comfortable. it just took me a long time to learn how to make myself feel and look super hot, learn what you need to do to make yourself realize you’re super hot, and do that. (if you think i’m an idiot and i’m just telling your to put on tons of makeup, read the next bullet) make yourself feel pretty. makeup is not a bad thing. no, you don’t need it. no, you don’t have to have it to be “super hot.” but the coolest thing about it is that it’s a useful tool for shaping your hotness into exactly what you’d like to show to the world, and that’s badass. it’s okay if you aren’t born looking the way you feel inside, cause you have the power to tweak. that also goes for your hair, your clothes, etc. for example, do you think your head looks like a penis when your hair is short? grow it out. do you absolutely love when your head looks like a penis? THEN FUCK YEAH KEEP IT THAT WAY be honest as much as you possibly can. to yourself, be honest all the time. if you find you are having a really hard time telling certain people the truth, then maybe they are the wrong people for you. do you trust them? do they make you feel bad about yourself? NAH DUDE FUCK THAT if you are uncomfortable, you are instantly not super hot. i don’t mean like if you are wearing shoes you love and they hurt your feet. i mean, if you’re shaving your legs every single fucking day and you hate it but you don’t want anyone to say anything. instead, you should only shave your legs so you can feel the pleasure of your smooth legs against the sheets. or because YOU like them shiny when you’re at the beach. only change yourself if to YOU, that is super hot. masturbate all the time. that is all. the only dude that deserves anyone as super hot as you, is a dude that knows he is super hot. and a dude that realizes you and fawns in the glorious light that is your super hotness. don’t go to work if you have nightmares about it. quit and get a new job. you maybe probably aren’t going to love it (hey, maybe you WILL), because it’s work. but if it is affecting your well-being to the point of suffocation then quit. there are tons of shitty jobs that are less shitty than that one.  you really need to have a catalog of things that you know make you feel better. you will come across these things slowly and randomly. but remember them, and practice them when you feel shitty. you’re going to feel shitty, so be stocked up on plenty of antidotes. hurting yourself is so fucking not okay. i cut myself and all i got were these lousy scars. i starved myself and my pretty hair fell out and my brain was all fucked every time i ate anything for years. i tried to kill myself and had to stay in a mental hospital for the most miserable, depressing, loneliest week of my life. i drank myself into a stupor for a couple of months straight and all it did was hinder me learning how to actually help myself and solve my own mental issues. stop all that shit, and start figuring out how to love and how to feel better and how to be badass when you’re all alone and how to feel super hot. this is the best thing I have ever read on here. i love this so much i wanna cry. goosebumps

fit-attempted:

livinglutenfreee:

theprosaicmoments:

YO, I GOT SOME TIPS FOR ALL THE MISERABLE LADIES!

(and hell fucking yes i used to be one)

  • try getting ready in the morning wearing only the underwear you look the best in (only buy underwear you feel the best in) or get ready naked. it’s like a scientifically proven fact that all boobs are amazing, and i’ve discovered there’s this weird victoria’s secret angel switch that gets flipped when you’re nude putting on makeup or brushing your hair. you just look like a fox.
  • don’t be scared to do things you’re really good at in front of people (they want to see) and don’t be scared to talk about how good you are at things (there is a difference between arrogance and confidence, and we’ve been told repeatedly that being proud of ourselves is cocky and unattractive: FUCK THAT, WE’RE JUST THE SHIT, WE CAN’T HELP IT)
  • in recent years i’ve discovered that i’m super hot. you also happen to be super hot. i think “super hot” is a combination of attractive, unique, and comfortable. it just took me a long time to learn how to make myself feel and look super hot, learn what you need to do to make yourself realize you’re super hot, and do that. (if you think i’m an idiot and i’m just telling your to put on tons of makeup, read the next bullet)
  • make yourself feel pretty. makeup is not a bad thing. no, you don’t need it. no, you don’t have to have it to be “super hot.” but the coolest thing about it is that it’s a useful tool for shaping your hotness into exactly what you’d like to show to the world, and that’s badass. it’s okay if you aren’t born looking the way you feel inside, cause you have the power to tweak. that also goes for your hair, your clothes, etc. for example, do you think your head looks like a penis when your hair is short? grow it out. do you absolutely love when your head looks like a penis? THEN FUCK YEAH KEEP IT THAT WAY
  • be honest as much as you possibly can. to yourself, be honest all the time. if you find you are having a really hard time telling certain people the truth, then maybe they are the wrong people for you. do you trust them? do they make you feel bad about yourself? NAH DUDE FUCK THAT
  • if you are uncomfortable, you are instantly not super hot. i don’t mean like if you are wearing shoes you love and they hurt your feet. i mean, if you’re shaving your legs every single fucking day and you hate it but you don’t want anyone to say anything. instead, you should only shave your legs so you can feel the pleasure of your smooth legs against the sheets. or because YOU like them shiny when you’re at the beach. only change yourself if to YOU, that is super hot.
  • masturbate all the time. that is all.
  • the only dude that deserves anyone as super hot as you, is a dude that knows he is super hot. and a dude that realizes you and fawns in the glorious light that is your super hotness.
  • don’t go to work if you have nightmares about it. quit and get a new job. you maybe probably aren’t going to love it (hey, maybe you WILL), because it’s work. but if it is affecting your well-being to the point of suffocation then quit. there are tons of shitty jobs that are less shitty than that one. 
  • you really need to have a catalog of things that you know make you feel better. you will come across these things slowly and randomly. but remember them, and practice them when you feel shitty. you’re going to feel shitty, so be stocked up on plenty of antidotes.
  • hurting yourself is so fucking not okay. i cut myself and all i got were these lousy scars. i starved myself and my pretty hair fell out and my brain was all fucked every time i ate anything for years. i tried to kill myself and had to stay in a mental hospital for the most miserable, depressing, loneliest week of my life. i drank myself into a stupor for a couple of months straight and all it did was hinder me learning how to actually help myself and solve my own mental issues. stop all that shit, and start figuring out how to love and how to feel better and how to be badass when you’re all alone and how to feel super hot.

this is the best thing I have ever read on here.

i love this so much i wanna cry. goosebumps

(via agentotter)

Tags: advice life lessons

Photo
April 03, 2013
416,794 notes

(Source: 2wentysixletters, via wilwheaton)

Tags: advice life lessons

Photo
March 18, 2013
2,900 notes
georgetakei: Some wise words from a wise woman.

georgetakei:

Some wise words from a wise woman.

Tags: maya angelou advice life lessons quotes

Quote
March 05, 2013
53,172 notes
"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."

—

Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)

This took me almost 22 years to take to heart.

(via undersizedundertakings)

I reblog this all the time just as a reminder to myself.

(via cannelledusoleil)

I will reblog this every time it passes my dash. And actually, it’s something I really need to think about right now.

(via blueandbluer)

Would like to add that by holding on to toxic people, you can turn yourself into a toxic person. It’s easier to be kind in the company of kind people, and to be cruel in the company of cruel people.

(via lierdumoa)

There is this story that sticks with me:

Two monks, master and apprentice, were traveling back to their temple. Along the way they saw a lady of ill-repute by a river, her foot was broken and the river was fast and she needed to get across it.

So the master picked her up and carried her across and they went on their way.

But the young man stewed; monks take vows of chastity/purity and wasn’t supposed to touch women. And he stewed all the way to the gates of their temple at which point he yelled at his master.

“Master, why did you touch that woman?”

And the Master looked at his disciple in surprise, “I put her down by the riverside, were you carrying her all this time?”

…Sometimes in life we come across toxic people, it’s inevitable because it’s life. But do you hold onto the toxicity and lash out at other people with it? Do you have to let it affect your own inherent awesomeness?

Do you have to be a crappy person to people whom you believe to be crappy?

Was the young monk correct in refusing help to the prostitute?

(via ladyw1nter)

(via theragnarokd)

Tags: quotes life lessons